I’ve been using some eye drops for an eye problem I have. I won’t go into it any more here about what it is, mainly because I’m not sure it is and consultants are a bit confused. But suffice to say I have to use these drops for the foreseeable so that things can, hopefully, improve.
In the box comes a little leaflet and, as I always do when taking medication, I use them for a bit and THEN read the leaflet. This is because I’m incredibly stupid and like to scare myself stupid.
You know horror films? Sitting by yourself and watching The Exorcist at 1 in the morning in the dark? That’s like a nice relaxing soak in the bath reading Grazia compared with the horrors in these leaflets. Here are some of the possible side effects of these eye drops.
Sensitivity to light.
Okay. So far so cool. I have a possible eye infection so they’ve prescribed me drops which may give me an eye infection. Excellent. Reading on…
Wait. These are EYE drops, how can they give me dry mouth?
Flushing. Dry skin.
Irregular heart rate. Heart palpitations.
FROM EYE DROPS? I’m getting heart palpitations from reading this leaflet. Fuck! I can’t put eye drops in properly. I didn’t drop 1 in I put in about 8. Fuck! I’m going to die.
Urinary urgency (Difficulty in holding your urine)
Urinary retention (Difficulty passing urine)
MAKE YOUR MIND UP! Am I going to piss myself or not? Am I going to die and then piss myself? What a way to go!
FML. No.Reading this will cause me to SHIT myself happily enough, thangyewverrmuch.
Giddiness and staggering.
Psychiatric reactions, behavioural disturbances and/or collapse affecting breathing, heart rate and blood pressure.
Are they all like this? This is like Saw mixed with Nightmare on Elm Street, with a dash of Psycho and a dressing of Les Diaboliques! Terrifying. I’m now doing some research to see what else we have to worry about. I’m looking at the leaflet that comes with Nurofen For Children sachets. Actually I’m doing this while watching a programme on BBC4 about how scientists have tried to predict an impending apocalypse. Cheery.
The leaflet that comes with this medication for children, has a section headed ‘If you are an adult taking this medication.’ It lists some possible side-effects, and not one of them mentions that if you are an adult taking this medication then, perhaps, you’re taking the wrong stuff. The big one it says, aside from the fact that it has been linked with infertility is that it ‘may be associated with a small increased risk of heart attach or stroke.’
Nothing to see here. Move along.
I used to take a non-drowsy antihistamine when I had hay fever. Somehow it always made me feel shit. Here’s some more information about it from www.patient.co.uk – and I’m not making this up.
Fexofenadine is used to treat the symptoms of allergies. It is called a non-drowsy antihistamine, however it can still cause drowsiness
And so on I go researching. This time onto my antidepressant medication. The ones that keep me from being depressed and trying to kill myself. According to www.medicines.org.uk;
Some people who take Sertraline hydrochloride may find that it intensifies depression and suicidal feelings in the early stages of treatment. These people have an increased risk of self-harm or suicide in the early stages
Possible other side effects include;
Abnormal smell of the skin
Woah there cowboy, hold on a farking minute. What the holy fark is GALACTORRHOEA? Is that like a mega-mega massive Diarrhoea? The Real Madrid of RUNNY SHITS? Galactorrhoea sounds like you could SHIT YOURSELF TO DEATH.
Oh, and eye or eyesight problems. Like the packet of nuts says on the side, may contain nuts.
Have you got any examples of stupid signs or apocalyptic health warnings? Let us know in the comments section. If I don’t get back to you it’s because I’ve pissed myself to death.
Thanks for reading.
First published May 3rd, 2012