I remember a while ago, and I’m afraid I can’t remember who did it so I can’t credit them here, someone blogged an A-Z of things that annoy them. I thought this was a great idea and always wanted to get round to it and so, as I have a bit of a blogging block at the moment I thought I’d give it a go to get the old juices going again.
The funny thing about blogging sometimes, for me, is when Life feels as fun as sucking the sweat from a dead tramps cock, it’s often easier to blog your heart out. But when things are good then I sometimes. And I’m finding it hard to get annoyed with anything just now as I’ve been in a fantastically smiley mood this past week. And so, to the person who has brought this smile to my facebox, here is a very public thank you. You’re awesome and I owe you cake.
Back to this list.
I recently found the list I’d written in a notepad while on a train some time ago, and under B it had’ Brucie’, T, O and S had ‘The One Show’ and M had ‘Monkeys’ after recalling how one little fucker tried to nick my bag when I was visiting Elephanta Island. But I’ll start with A and I was surprised at just how random this was, but I’ll go with it please bear with me caller.
Ready? Here we go. The first in my ‘A-Z of Ting Which Wind Me Up A Bit More Than They Really Should’
A is for… ASTRONAUTS
Yes. You heard me right. Astronauts wind. Me. Up. Not that I’ve met one though. So this IS fairly random I guess.
I saw a documentary a while back and they all seem a bit touched. I bet they’re all like ‘Ooooh I’ve been to space’ all the fucking time. To be honest I would be. I WOULDN’T SHUT UP ABOUT IT. I bet they tell their mates all the time and their mates are like ‘Whatever Dave. You can fuck off back there if you keep banging on about that. Just get a pint in.’
‘But I’ve been to space.’
‘What Dave? Did you fly there with your own fucking wings? No. You sat in a rocket, ate baby food and had to do number twos in a bag for a few days. I bet it stank up there. Now. Pint. And some crisps.’
If I’d been to space my ringtone on my phone would simply be me shouting ‘HA HA HA I’VE BEEN TO SPACE AND YOU HAVEN’T. I’M A SPACEMAN AND YOU. ARE. NOT.’
On this documentary there was a man who’d been to The Moon. He was being interviewed and he seemed very distracted. Like he was talking but not really engaged in doing so. Lost. He said how, sometimes, he goes for a drive at night and finds somewhere peaceful. He gets out of his car and looks at The Moon and thinks ‘I’ve been there.’
I have a theory that, at some point in the past, they must’ve sent astronauts up in space and they must’ve either had a wank or had the sex. Otherwise, how would we know that space travel wouldn’t permanently damage your reproductive capacity? There must’ve been tests done on spaceman spism. Someone MUST’VE done sexytime on the ISS. Or the Space Shuttle.
FML. That sounds so cool. Maybe astronauts are actually cool after all, and my irritation comes from being insanely jealous?
Sex in space. Bloody hell. Sounds amazing! And, how cool would it be to be the baby conceived in space? You’d be a space baby!
If this whole sex in space thing has NOT happened then, Dear NASA, please consider this my application for THAT job. I’m happy to put you in touch with some referees. And maybe, just maybe I might change my mind about sodding astronauts.
What makes you a bit more angry than it ought to and begins with A. Please fill my comments hole with your ire, rage and annoyances.
And thank you for reading.