This post won’t get much of an introduction as it’s by someone who wishes to remain anonymous. It is, simply, an incredible piece of writing and one of the bravest and most honest posts I have ever read. I’m honoured, truly, to be able to post this on their behalf and I know they’re feeling a little apprehensive about it, but please read and if you feel like leaving a comment then please do. I know the author will appreciate them.
An incredible piece of writing. Thanks for reading.
I broke a man’s heart today. Broke it clean in two. And it was agony to do. But I had to do it. To watch the face of my husband of 16 years crumble as his heart shattered into thousands of tiny pieces, when it finally dawned on him that our relationship is irretrievable, isn’t my proudest moment to date.
I can’t give him hope where there is none. I didn’t break the relationship. That is his deal, he did that when he verbally battered me into depression. Oh, I know that to a degree he didn’t mean to do it. I know he is not ‘all evil’. I know we have had our good times. And I still care for his wellbeing. But the fact remains that he verbally and emotionally abused me. Over and over again. And the damage is done. I checked out of the relationship a long time ago.
He was warned, time and time again. By me, by my Mum, by our marriage counsellor even! But he CHOSE not to listen. He just carried on without thinking about the damage that he was doing to the people around him, including our children. Damage to the very people that the rest of the time he claimed to love more than anyone or anything on the planet. I will NEVER understand why he did that. It seems so incomprehensible to me to treat a person that way, full stop. Even once, never mind repeatedly and still expect them to stay with you, let alone have actual feelings for you! Bat shit crazy in fact.
Choice is the key factor. Your behaviour is your choice. No one, no matter how annoying, outrageous, ignorant, angry, stupid, cruel, idiotic or anything else you can think of, MAKES YOU behave in any way at all. You ultimately have the final say. No matter how you FEEL, no matter if you think someone else is responsible for how you feel, you make the choice whether to act upon it. Lack of control is no excuse to belittle, damage, hurt, shout, scream at, insult or indeed hit another person. No. Matter. What.
Just to clarify. I was never physically hit. In some ways over the years I have felt (wrongly) that it would have been easier to deal with. I thought that physical bruises might heal faster than emotional ones. I could have walked out and shown the world what he had done to me and EVERYBODY would have had sympathy. But with emotional and verbal abuse there are no marks that you can see. No evidence. The damage is done surreptitiously, sneakily, like a thief in the night stealing little parts of your soul. By the time you realise what’s happening, it’s too late, there’s hardly anything left. By then you are so weak it is next to impossible to do anything about it. It is also likely, at this point that the victim starts unconsciously assisting the perpetrator by dismantling their own defence systems and opening up more and more. That, I believe, is why so many women tolerate domestic abuse. Especially as general society and the media only really recognise physical abuse as the ‘real’ kind domestic abuse and verbal abuse is almost celebrated as valid entertainment. Vile profanity and insult spouting celebrities, those chat show hosts and chefs who liberally spew forth barrages of irrelevant abuse at the participants of their TV shows. Failing not only to keep to any relevant subject, but failing also to show a level of control above that of a tired, hungry, screaming toddler.
And there is nothing more attractive than an out of control, insult belching man, is there ladies?
‘Talent’ shows encourage the vilifying of the weak and different and the endless spin off programs perpetuate the mocking and humiliation. Which, when you think about it, are really no better than a public hanging or ‘witch’ burning.
The awful, horrifying truth is that once a woman has been hit by a man, it means that the emotional abuse has already stolen all of her and there is nothing left to defend. She will have been subjected to severe emotional abuse for much, much longer… way before he decided that the only way he is going to get what he wants from this woman is by using his fists. And if she can’t find the strength to leave after that? Well, lets just say he isn’t going to stop any time soon, no matter how many times he promises that it will never happen again. One thing I have learnt about abuse is that when those lines are crossed there is no way back.
He broke my heart a thousand times over. Now I have had to break his to save myself and to save our children from growing up and believing that kind of behaviour is normal. He left me with no choice. I’m lucky I found the strength to leave. Many others aren’t so lucky and need all of the help they can get.
This is just a snapshot of my own personal experiences. Each case of abuse is as unique as the people within the relationship. Women are abused by men and men are abused by women, in all manner of relationships.
It is unacceptable regardless of the circumstances.